Depression Pink Glass

A little into my life:

Had a baby almost 2 years ago, am 23 and living with my bf, had some depression before meeting him and after having a baby (which I know can be common), so DR put me on Cipralex. He told me to get soem therapy but the cheapest therapy I could find I still could not afford as we are on a very tight budget. (IF YOU KNOW OF FREE THERAPY IN VANCOUVER BC CANADA LET ME KNOW!).

I used to be the most outgoing, life of the party teenager, didnt care what people thoguht of me and was always "happy".

Now that my body has changed so much since having a kid (bed rest @ 6mnths, 3rd degree tear, muscles torn on stomach area, stretch marks galore) Ive felt more anxious about life. I know thats normal so I understand that part, but I also dont feel like I can talk to people anymore. Im a stay at home mama so was wondering if thats cuz Im not around adults anymore?

I sweat all the time when in public, whether its raining or sunny, I studder and cant get the words out, I look down alot and cant really look people in the eyes. Im wondering if this could be because of cipralex (anti depressant) or is something wrong with me or does every mom go through this?

My Boyfriend works full time and is an awesome dad and huge help when hes home. hes amazing. hes the mane very girl would want yet I dont feel happy with him. I dont feel as in love as I ever did and feel like Id rather be alone then with him.

Sometimes I feel like I dont care about anything but my son, and just want to run away or die (I never ever try to kill myself or anything like that but sometimes I feel like theres a voice in my head thinking and suggesting things I could do, but Ive never listened)

I feel like Im talking to someone sometimes when Im home alone with just my little kid. While Im doing dishes, cooking, brushing my teeth, showering whatever I have these convos not out loud to myself but Im running scenerios in my head and I seem to pretend like its real with maybe people I know or dont. Its wierd and hard to explain cuz this has never happened to me much before.

I go up and down sometimes, from happy to angry to frustrated (maybe hormones??).

for the last month Ive had a really bad eye twitch in one eye, almost every day at least once every 5 minutes it twitched for the first 3 weeks its slowed down a bit now but still very there.

Ive also had a problem with binge eating (I dont purge or anything like that but I just cant stop eating).

I also was smoking weed in my past alot (not much since having a child and not at all while pregnant!)
But sometimes when my baby is at his grandparents I will smoke a joint and it always calms me and makes me feel better but …I dont want to be smoking weed anymore now that Im a mother, I know that im not addicted to marijuana because I never crave it or feel I need it and I dont always have it around. But its like a glass of wine with dinner for me I just dont want to now that my son is getting older.

I dont know, I have alot of questions about myself right now and alot of confusion in whats going on with me… Im familyless as my family is very distant and all live their own lives, my mother wants nothing to do with me for no reason and I dont talk with my siblings. My father was never around and so Ive always felt really alone. I just need some help I think..
You are both So kind and nice to have said those things about me Thank you so much for that (when your in a depression anything nice is way more than just words)

I will talk to my dr about those things you guys suggested, for sure!

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